Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Stumbling Towards Ecstasy

That's a play on words of an album I think...Fumbling Towards Ecstasy? Sarah McLachlin? Ah...the internet. I miss my fix. I just looked it up. I'll tell you, I surely and sorely appreciate the numerous questions that I and my daughters have during the week because they often go unanswered without the electronic oracle in my new home. As of Thursday, that will change however. Now I just need that part-time job! :) So, just for fun, I verified the title and songwriter and looked at the lyrics to see if anything applies and would account for the allusion save the cool sound of it and the fact that my blog is about "steps," and so stumbling fits more than fumbling, which implies hands to me. Gee...do ya think this fits?

All the fear has left me now/I’m not frightened anymore/It’s my heart that pounds beneath my flesh/It’s my mouth that pushes out this breath/And if I shed a tear I won’t cage it/I won’t fear love/And if I feel a rage I won’t deny it/I won’t fear love/Companion to our demons/They will dance, and we will play/With chairs, candles, and cloth/Making darkness in the day/It will be easy to look in or out/Upstream or down without a thought/And if I shed a tear I won’t cage it/I won’t fear love/And if I feel a rage /I won’t deny it/I won’t fear love/Peace in the struggle/To find peace/Comfort on the way/To comfort/And if I shed a tear/ I won’t cage it/I won’t fear love/And if I feel a rage /I won’t deny it/I won’t fear love/I won’t fear love/I won’t fear love...

So today my daughter has missed the fourth day of her first seven days in public school this year. And I forgot to call the school. Yesterday they called me and I called back. Today I was running around to class, calling the doctor back (we went yesterday) because she'd given me a note saying she was ok to go back to school but then she wasn't and I HAD to have a doctor's note because she'd missed more than the limit and they send parents to court here when the kids are "truant," and I just forgot. When I remembered, I felt embarrassed and didn't want to call. Stupid. I hope being sick isn't truant, but you never know. And I just don't want to break down and tell the whole world my business. I guess I'm still ashamed. I'm really just confused and I don't want people to ask me questions...don't want to hear judgmental tones or see eyebrows raised or experience negative body language. I am too fragile right now. Whether I should be or not is not the point. I am. And Ken Keyes says that we should avoid acting when we can't be clear. I don't know how to get clear. I still feel like the sky is falling. The dominoes have been set in motion and I'm watching them fall around me and there doesn't seem to be much to do but wait until they stop. Stepping away would be best, but I took the wrong pill and fell down the rabbit hole and I'm smaller than the dominoes. What do I do to get big again?

So for today, this is all I have to offer. I'm mid-step. Taking deep breaths and believing that serenity is available. I can only do what I can do. I can't take my sick child with me to look for a job or else she won't be well enough to go to school tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day and I will start again. I am not in control of anything but my actions and reactions. I will take care of my sick baby and look for a job tomorrow. I will not be thrown out on the street. I have support. I can only do so much and that is perfectly okay. Asking for help is not an admission of failure or incurable weakness. Plenty of people ask for help more than I ever have and they are not horrible beings. Right? See...I still don't believe it in my heart. That is the saddest thing for me. This need to be something that I can't even describe yet. I don't know what it is that I'm not measuring up to--I just feel the despair of not getting there yet. Where is my now? Where is my lily of the fieldness?

There are so many things to be thankful for. And I am thankful. So thankful that I feel "guilty" for having as much as I do when I feel like I don't deserve it. That's why asking for anything else blows me away. So I will just fake it until I make it for a while. To poorly quote another guilt addict in recovery: "I'm good enough, I'm nice enough, and gosh darn it, people like me."

© Nicole J. Williams, 2005, all rights reserved

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